My Personality Tests Keep Coming Back Negative

I have lost count of the number of jobs I have applied for since October. I could go back through the wee notebook I’ve been keeping and count them all (after the sheet the dole office gave me was filled up in about a week) but I’m not really inclined to. I have come across every way of applying for positions you can think of. I have emailed CVs, handed CVs in to actual people, done online and paper applications, even just chatted to a charming pub landlady by means of applying for a bar job. I could write a detailed analysis of the process of applying for jobs, and if anyone feels like employing me to do such a thing I will certainly oblige.

One things I have noticed is the increased use of ‘personality tests’ when applying for jobs online. So far I’ve only come across them when applying for jobs in the financial sector, but these things have a tendency of spreading like bird flu so it probably won’t be long before McDonalds want to know if you’re a fire type or a water type and family run solicitors are making you do those inkblot tests.

They’re clearly based on some pseudo-scientific bullshit. They ask you to describe yourself in ways which are just, frankly, odd. You have to click on statements on a computer screen and, usually, rank them in some sort of order. The statements used are usually sweeping and either complete common sense (I am a good worker) or make no sense at all (I would rather write a letter with crayon than eat soup with a fork). This is clearly to stop people sussing them out and just lying to try and get the job. Usually they group qualities together in such a way that it’s impossible to work out which one they value the most highly. Are you organised or motivated? Er, can’t I be both? There’s some algorithm at work there that I just can’t crack.

It also must be a pretty flimsy way of getting to know someone. Selecting from a pre-thought up list of qualities must be extremely limiting. It also offers no opportunity for explanation, but you have to get through this crap to be able to properly talk about yourself. You don’t even get to fill out an online application before you go through this lot. Some computer sits there and appears to randomly allocate you a personality and, if you are deemed worthy, you can talk to an actual person and this actual person can see if you’re actually going to be any good at the actual job.

They also don’t work. By that I mean they can’t tell who is going to be good at a job and who isn’t. I know this for a fact because I used to work for a building society. I applied through their website and failed their personality test. A few months later I was offered an interview through an agency and, because once I was looking at a real person and could explain my skills and relevant previous experience they decided I might be able to do the job, I was offered it. I then went on not just to work in the customer service role I’d applied online for but to specialise in ISAs and Bonds which are considerably more complicated. The digital personality test didn’t know anything about me, let alone how shit hot I was when it came to advising people on tax free savings.

So they’re demoralising, confusing, infuriating and they don’t work, so why keep using them? Simple, despite what IDS says about there being thousands of jobs vacancies there just aren’t. There are, however, thousands of job seekers so putting some daft cyber roadblock to eliminate most of them in the early stages probably saves a lot of time for companies. It’s a pretty shitty way to treat people though. Yes, if there are eight thousand people applying for twenty vacancies you’re works cut out for you but at least have the common decency for it to be a person who turns you down, not some low-rate psychobabble squit of software. This is why everyone I know is emigrating to Australia*.

I would absolutely love it if these things disappeared. I'd love it even more if the irritating ones people keep putting up on Facebook disappeared as well. No, I don't care which Scrubs cast member I am (it's always Dr Cox, by the way) and if you need to build up a picture of yourself using a test someone else wrote to kill time you have bigger problems than I can fix.

I can haz job now plz? Kthnxbai

*True story.

The Soundtrack to 2012

No, not the God awful film or the amusing BBC Olympics based comedy series. Just the year, or, more specifically, my year. And it’s been a bit of a year. During this year I have moved cities, completed an MA, graduated, rediscovered the joys of being dole scum, finally settled on a career, celebrated my two year anniversary (I know! A proper adult relationship! How exciting!), bought a hamster, discovered a snazzy new way of doing my eyeliner and started (then re-started) blogging. I also get hangovers now. That is really, really not cool.

But, as always, these events were accompanied by a soundtrack. So, friends, I give you the Tunes of 2012.

Lana Del Ray-Born To Die

I gave the rest of her stuff a chance, I really did, but I found it rather dull. Sorry Lana. Still, this song is stunning. I first heard it, in true angsty dramatic style, in a sandwich shop the day I got told they wouldn’t be putting me forward for funding for the PhD I’d been building my life around taking. I then looked it up, decided I liked it, downloaded it and listened to it constantly for the next month. Perhaps Ms Del Ray was just playing on my vulnerable state but any song that gets an emotional reaction is good on some level. But it does have some truly terrible lyrics (keep making me laugh/let’s go get high). So, I will defend Born to Die to the hills. Or at least the sign saying five miles to the hills. I think it’s a good song, and I’m not the only one, but I’m also aware there this may be a time-and-a-placer.

Florence and the Machine-Shake It Out

In all honesty I did first acquire this album in 2011, but it still counts because it was a bit of a presence from about the beginning of December until the end of March. I’m not going to whack the whole album on here because that really is cheating, although there could be arguments made for about eight of its twelve tracks going on this list. But this one wins by a nose. It was a bit of a companion when things weren’t really hunky dory but, unlike Born to Die, this song is actually pretty inspiring. It seemed to be speaking directly to me in the wanky way music does when you’re feeling a little tearful. And Flo is ace. I was a bit resistant to her when she first came out for reasons too complex and insecure to go into here, but now I unashamedly love her. Yes, I <3 Flo. And the world should know that. 

White Lies-Death

2011 belonged to White Lies. More specifically the song Bigger Than Us. That song is still the most played on my iPod. They beat the Cure. The Cure! Unheard of. So, as 2012 wheeled round I decided to check out their first album. It’s good. It’s better than good. It’s magnificent. It’s also more self-involved and whiny than their second so I really fucking love it. White Lies need to be on this list and I picked this song to represent them because of this line; That’s why everything’s gotta be love or death. If there was a phrase that represented everything I think music should be, it’s that.

Fredrik-Chrome Cavities

Yeah, before anyone mentions it, I did hear this song on the Kopparberg advert but that doesn’t change how mind-bendingly brilliant this, or the how the rest of the album it came from, is. The whole thing is like being plunged into a swirling pool of weird sounds and haunting vocals. It also does that fantastic thing of working as a whole album while having a handful of damn good tracks on it. And it’s so eerie. More music should be eerie. Never let it be said that alcohol didn’t enrich my life.

Jesca Hoop-Born To

I defy anyone to listen to this song and it not raise both your heart rate and the little hairs on the back of your neck. Currently there is a rather disappointing trend where indie female singers need to be all twee and childlike. Jesca bucks this trend gloriously. There’s a subtle strength there that doesn’t result in overt aggression, although you still get the feeling she’d be scrappy in a bar fight. And she doesn’t feel the need to name drop hipster bullshit or tell us how much she likes comics or write songs about fucking cupcakes. So she’s a complete hero of mine. I’m also going to mention another song from the same album, Hospital (Win Your Love), which is about someone injuring themselves so they can get their love interests attention. Who knew passive aggression could be so brilliant?

The Temper Trap-Sweet Disposition

This song is older than 2012, but I didn’t hear it until this year. I can’t really defend it. It’s good, but not ground breaking, I just really, really liked it and listened to it about seventy four times in three days. It might have something to do with the film 500 Days of Summer but I cannot confirm or deny this.

Public Service Broadcasting-London Can Take It

A complex little project combining a truly great bass part with visuals and audio recorded during the Blitz in London. American journalist Quentin Reynolds released a film in 1941 called ‘London Can Take It’ (do you see what they did there?) and all the samples and footage used in this track are taken from it. Reynolds’ original film is on YouTube. It is worth a watch, and not just if you’re a twentieth century history geek like me.

Bat for Lashes-Laura

If, on hearing this song, it doesn’t make you cry you have a heart of stone. The most original but also one of the most simple songs I’ve heard for ages.

The National-Slow Show

The National are one of those bands who I was made aware of quite late so I started with their most recent album and worked my way back. The album this track is from (‘Boxer’) is now firmly my favourite. There’s a gorgeous cinematic quality to it that is best experienced walking along Newcastle Quayside at sunrise with the haunting coda kicking in.

Blaqk Audio-Cold War

This song is genius. Not because it’s a brilliant piece of musicianship (it’s not even the best song Blaqk Audio have done, and certainly not the best of Davey Havok’s lyrics) but because it’s basically someone having a hissy fit. I’m not going to give too much away to encourage you to go listen to it yourself. It has to be heard to be believed. And it’s only 2 ½ minutes long (although I don’t think I could have stood much longer to be honest).

Of Monsters and Men-King and Lionheart

There’s not a weak track on this album (‘My Head is an Animal’) and they’re all great pieces of storytelling. Each one is like a little saga. To be honest it was between this and Dirty Paws but I plumped for this one because it manages to say that you’ll be there for and protect someone without sounding either like an overbearing control freak or getting too soppy.

30 Seconds to Mars-Closer to the Edge

Shut up. This song is amazing to dance to when you’re pissed. I don’t care what you think. Don’t judge me. Shut up.