What's Worse than Being Called a Bigot?

Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps being told that your relationship is worth less than a heterosexual one? Maybe being told that just by wanting to show a commitment to the person you love you are undermining the marriage if millions of people, your friends, family, parents, co-workers etc. Or being told that just wanting your relationship to be given the same name and recognition as others is destroying our culture might be considered by some over sensitive souls to be a little perturbing.

Yesterday the House of Commons passed a bill allowing same sex couples to get married, enjoy all the same rights as a heterosexual couple and call it a marriage. I wrote that I was in support of this motion and explained why. I was therefore happy and relieved last night when I heard that MPs had voted in favour of the bill with a sizeable majority. I thought that this was a step in the right direction. This was a public acknowledgment that a same sex relationship has the same worth as a heterosexual one.

But then today started and I woke up to a backlash. I understand people who opposed the bill voicing their disappointment. Had things gone the other way I would do the same, but this was different. This was displaying a horrific double standard coupled with a juvenile sense of entitlement. These are the people who were complaining that they had been called ‘bigotted’, ‘prejudiced’ and ‘homophobic’ over their opposition to the bill.

To start I would like to state that I think opposing the bill was categorically homophobic. I saw it as denying people rights just because they weren’t straight. It seemed like a fairly clear cut example of homophobia to me. However, I understand that this is an emotive word and people don’t like to be called it. My response to that is simple; if you don’t want to be called homophobic stop saying homophobic things, and if someone says you are being homophobic and you think you’re not ask them why. You might get a bit of an education.

But what I found truly mind boggling was the victimised mindset of these people. They felt so offended that they were called these things. They were nervous of speaking their opinions in case someone did something awful like ask them if they thought that sounded a bit prejudiced. Somehow the thought has never occurred to them that what they were saying was causing offense. It really never penetrated their victim complexes that the person you’re just told shouldn’t be allowed to get married because they happened to fall in love with the ‘wrong’ gender might be a bit upset. Oh no, we couldn’t possibly offend their precious sensibilities. Their right to hold opinions that see some people as having less worth than others trumps the right of the person whose just been told their an abomination for being gay.

If you want to be homophobic I can’t stop you. You have every right to think that, but, for fucks sake, learn to take it when someone tries to engage you as to why they find your views insulting and offensive. You are not the only injured party here. How about a little bit of mutual respect in this? The hypocrisy and double standard of this viewpoint is staggering.

Then there were the ones who decided they were part of the ‘silent majority’. This is, according to this opinion poll (and the ones discussed in this polling report), quite clearly bollocks. And even if they are part of some oppressed 51% this isn’t something to really be that concerned with if you’re not in a same sex relationship, because it doesn’t really affect you. Alright, so a few more people will be legally described as ‘married’ but, honestly, how does this impact upon existing marriages? Really? 

This comes back to a theme we’ve seen a lot recently in different contexts. Being called a racist is ‘the worst thing possible’ (what about being beaten up for being black?). Being called a rapist ‘destroys lives’ (what about people who are abused, sexually assaulted and raped?). Having your views challenged isn’t really that bad in the grand scheme of things, so get some fucking perspective. Your right to speak goes hand in hand with my right to challenge. That is freedom of speech. Many people who complain about this seem to really like that concept and bang on about it a lot.

Keep saying homophobic things and I will call you homophobic. Simple as.

Thoughts on Same Sex Marriage

Today MPs are debating whether or not to allow same sex couples to register their relationship as a marriage. There’s also a section of the bill that proposes trans people can remain married to their spouse despite their change in legally recognised gender. To say this bill has been controversial would be understating things slightly. Google it and you will get an avalanche of views and arguments. People have claimed it will undermine marriage, others that it will strengthen it. Both religious groups and LGBT rights organisations have claimed it doesn’t go far enough and that it goes too far or is deeply unhelpful. Then there are those who claim this is not the issue to be focussing on at the moment when we have so many bigger things to worry about. This is mainly the economy, which appears to still be SNAFUed, and no amount of smiling gay people is going to change that.

I personally agree with the bill and that view is the result of some quite soul searching conversations with myself and others. I think that same sex couples should be allowed to call their legally recognised partnership a marriage. The fact that all the people I know currently in same sex civil partnerships refer to their partner as husband or wife and their relationship as a marriage seems to me to support a change in law.

A lot of problems seem to stem from the use of the word ‘marriage’. Some opponents of the bill feel that a marriage is between a man and a woman and, although many have no problem with a legally protected, legally binding relationship such as a civil partnership between gay people they would rather the word ‘marriage’ were not used. I cannot agree with this. Although ‘equal’ does not always mean ‘identical’ I think in this case having different words for different kinds of relationships signifies that they are not equal, and in a society where, despite great gains in recent decades, LGB (I’ll come back to the T later) face prejudice and discrimination it is not helpful.

Equally those who argue that this is going to create a second category of marriage I disagree with. As far as I can see a heterosexual marriage and a homosexual marriage would be the same. I see no difference why relationships would differ just because the genders of the people in it do. To assume otherwise reinforces gender roles and stereotypes that I also don’t agree with. This is where trans people under the law as it stands can find it difficult. If they wish to undergo a transition or present themselves as a different gender to when they got married they currently have to divorce their partner. Allowing them to remain married to the same person also means that, if the relationship is now a same sex one, it is the same marriage as it always was.

Similarly the argument put forward that marriage needs to stay heterosexual and separate for ‘the sake of the children’ I find deeply insulting both to same sex couples who have children and straight couples who do not. There is nothing that I would consider essential to a healthy relationship that cannot be found with a partner of either sex.

The point I have the most respect for is that changing the name is unnecessary because not every couple wants or needs to be married. And that’s fine. I agree whole heartedly with that sentiment, but I think that everyone should have the same choices open to them. All relationships should be supported, but if someone wants to get married and have it called a marriage with all the romance and permanency that word invokes then they should be allowed to. As I said above many same sex couples already do, it’s just not legally recognised.

I understand that some people have a deep, often religious objection to same sex relationships in all their forms. Although when I come across this viewpoint it breaks my heart that’s not really what I’m discussing here. People are entitled to their views as long as those views are not interfering in the lives of other people. I think there are ways that religious leaders and groups who support same sex marriage can perform the ceremonies and support the couples without enforcing every member of that organisation to. I’ve heard the ‘slippery slope’ argument in relation to this one a lot, and I frankly think religious groups are quite capable of remaining vigilant and ensuring no one is forced to do something they don’t want to do. Individual churches can refuse to take a female priest, but that doesn’t meant there are no female priests in the church. Surely a similar system could be worked out?

I understand a lot of the arguments, but ultimately I support the changing of the law. I don’t think it will cause any social or personal harm and I think it would send a message, if nothing else, that LGBT people really are equal in Britain today.

I’ll leave you with a word from my favourite angry, animated squirrel, Foamy.

‘Gay folks should get married. If anyone is going to appreciate the concept and institution of these unions, it will be them. They fought for the right to be married, they’ve taken media back-lash for it, they’ve been beaten, spat upon, ridiculed, but still, they persevere and want to marry their significant other. They’re not standing at the alter with a shot gun to their head. They’re fighting through crowds of angry protestors and backward thinking religious fanatics in order to marry someone they love.’